Branson to the Future

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LONDON, April 1, 2016 — Sir Richard Branson’s Virgin Group is used to carrying passengers through the air and across the British countryside, but it will soon transport them through an entirely new dimension — time.

“I’m delighted to announce the launch of Virgin Timelines,” Branson announced at a packed press conference in London. “Soon, we will all be able to go back, forward and sideways in time. Just think of the possibilities.”

Branson said his time team has been working closely with Elon Musk’s Tesla and physicists at CERN for the past three years to develop the time machine.

“We estimate it will take another five years to perfect the Tesla time machine,” Branson said. “But, once it’s finished, we will bring it back in time so we can begin service next month.”

The British billionaire said he and his son, Sam, will make the first commercial trip in the time machine.

“Once we bring the time machine back to the present, Sam and I will take into into the future when SpaceShipTwo is ready t0 begin commercial flights so we can fly into space,” Branson explained. “Then we’ll do the same for Virgin Galactic’s 700 customers.”

Branson estimated that the time travel will add an extra $75,000 to the cost of a Virgin Galactic ticket, which have been sold over the years for $200,000 and $250,000.

“Yes, it’s an extra expense, but think of all the stock and betting tips they will pick up along the way,” Branson said.

Musk said he expected time travel devices to be installed his company’s cars sooner rather than later. “They should be standard features on all Teslas by last week, yesterday at the latest, ” he said.

The celebrity-studded announcement was attended by Christopher Lloyd, Michael J. Fox and  Harrison Ford. Also present was a thoroughly confused H.G. Wells.

“I was walking down the street in London in 1899, and suddenly this strange vehicle appeared, and I was pulled inside and transported here,” Wells said. “I wrote The Time Machine as a joke. I never thought it would be real.”

During the press conference, an older version of Branson suddenly ran into the room, warning his younger self to not fool around with time travel before disappearing completely as if someone had suddenly erased him from the timeline.

Younger Branson was not phased by the incident. “This will as safe as flying on one of Virgin’s airplanes,” he said. “In fact, it’ll be 1,000 times safer than that. I guarantee it.”

  • Andrew_M_Swallow

    I wish to complain about the complementary flying skateboard. When it rained I got wet. 😉

  • Terry Rawnsley

    You’re a few hours early, Doug.

  • Douglas Messier

    Dateline London. It’s already April 1 there.

  • Charles Lurio

    Well done, from all three of me.

  • Aerospike

    Funny text and that photoshop of “branson to the future” is priceless all by itself! 😀

  • Not funny, really – if he gets to see this article he’ll certainly announce it as a real thing, get some wealthy arabs (is there any other kind?) to subsidise it, and start selling tickets.

  • joe tusgadaro

    Brilliant…and also frighteningly accurate going by Bransons past history 😉

  • Bulldog

    Bravo! 🙂

  • ThomasLMatula

    Great job! Don’t forget the dinosaur hunting expeditions, just don’t step on any butterflies 🙂