VOSTOCHNY SPACEPORT, Russia, Oct. 31, 2015 — Russia’s newest spaceport was overrun by headless zombies on Saturday as an effort by one of the nation’s top officials backfired, leaving thousands of people to flee for their lives.
Enraged by delays at the spaceport that have pushed back the first launch until next April, Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Rogozin made good on his threat to tear the heads off of those responsible for the problems.
“It was bloodbath,” one source said. “Dmitry started with managers who stole money from workers. But not enough, so he start decimating. Very bad.”
Decimation is a brutal form of discipline used by the Roman Legions. If troops performed poorly, every 10th soldier would be pulled out of line and beaten to death by his comrades in arms.
“One head after other came off, big rip sound, splash of blood,” said the source, who insisted upon anonymity. “Stalin got nothing on this guy.”
What happened only made things worse. Before departing, Rogozin ordered the workers to bury the bodies in a local Cossack cemetery. A haunted cemetery.
“We beg him not to do this,” the source continued. “He just laugh and said, This is crazy. Nothing will happen. Then he gets on plane and leaves.
“Saturday morning, they start climbing out of ground and go on rampage,” he added. “Just like on that Throne Game show. Only they carry own heads. We try everything. Guns, grenades, fire. Nothing stops them.”
The zombies’ disembodied heads have been demanding brains, vodka and back pay. Vostchny officials tried to appease the undead with booze and back pay, but the supervisor zombies just stole it all from the workers.
In Moscow, Russian President Forever Vladimir Putin called a meeting of his national security advisers and declared a state of emergency in the Amur Region.
“This is provocation from the West,” Putin declared. “Western NGOs and security forces are behind this outrage.”
The Russian foreign minister called in the ambassadors of the United States, Great Britain and Romania demanding an explanation. All three governments have denied any involvement.
A poll done by the RT television network showed that 99.8 percent of Russians agreed with Putin. The poll had an error of 0.2 percent.
Diplomatic sources say Putin has called in tanks to deal with the zombies. Air strikes have been ruled out because the functioning parts of the Russian Air Force are engaged in Syria and the undeclared war in eastern Ukraine.