With commercial space tourism a mere 15 months away — at least according to Richard Branson’s latest prediction to end all predictions, and he’s never wrong about such things — we’ll soon be confronted with a brand new species of humans: the celebritynaut. Yes, the folks who already have everything will soon have even more to set them apart from the rest of us. And boy will they flaunt it something sickly. Your eyes will bleed pumpkins reading about it!
In an effort to prepare the recession-racked world for this new era of conspicuous in-your-face consumption, Parabolic Arc will be profiling some of those who will soon take the ultimate roller coaster ride in the sky. We’ll start with one Brit rumo(u)red to hold a ticket who actually outranks even Sir Richard — not due to any actual life achievements, mind you. But, simply by being born into a filthy rich family that my country hasn’t had much use for in over two centuries, and having a “special relationship,” should we say, with one of Virgin Galactic’s key American employees.
Parabolic Arc is please to present….
Her Royal Highness Princess Beatrice!
Full name: Beatrice Elizabeth Mary
Born: 8/8/88 (age 22) — Portland Hospital
Houses: Rock, Fashion and Windsor
Father: Prince Andrew, Duke of York
Mother: Sarah, Duchess of York
Place in Line of Succession: Fifth
Rumo(u)red Ambition: Becoming the first British royal in space
Probability of success: Through the bloody roof
Affectionately known by her adoring subjects as Princess Bea, she is the first child of Prince “Randy Andy” Andrew and his ex-wife, former Weight Watchers spokeswoman and unofficial royal access auctioneer Sarah Ferguson.
In addition to wanting to found a fashion house, Princess Bea’s fondest ambition is to be just like her mum. â€œI see myself as a mini-mummy,” she said on her 18th birthday. “I kind of have this image that anything you can do, I want to do better.â€
Born without a surname but with dyslexia, the Princess overcame the obstacles in her life to pass her A-Levels. She earned a Grade A in drama (appropriate given her tabloid-worthy family) and B grades in history and film studies (odd in that the Royal Family are pretty much THE history of Britain).
Other than her royal title and their fabulous wealth, Princess Bea is pretty much like any other college student. She lives in an apartment that the British government spent Â£250,000 of public funds renovating. The Princess also drives her Beemer into London, leaves the keys inside the unlocked vehicle, and has her car stolen while she shops with her security detail. (What kid hasn’t had that happen to them?)
In between studying and flying around the world doing charity, she somehow makes time for clubbing with Kate Moss, Rhys Ifans and Sophie Ellis Bextor and hanging out with rock stars, supermodels, actors and footballers at tennis tournaments.
The Princess is regularly accompanied by her American boyfriend Dave Clark, who is head of astronaut relations at Virgin Galactic. The pair caused a minor stir back in 2008 when they were photographed frolicking on the beach in St. Barts, the princess in a very revealing bikini. This apparently brought back the nightmarish image of her topless mum sucking the toes of a Texas millionaire many years before. (Kids, don’t click that link! Nooo!!….STOP!!! Argghh!)
Despite her sky high ambitions to soar among the stars, Princess Beatrice would not be the first royal in space. That honor belongs to Saudi Prince Sultan bin Salman bin Abdulaziz al-Saud, who flew aboard the space shuttle Discovery in 1985. (Actually, she would be the third royal in space if you count Richard Garriott, Lord British of the MMOG world. And my advice to you is: count him. Have you seen that guy’s fans?!)
With Prince William’s proposal to up-and-coming millionaire commoner Kate Middleton, could more wedding bells be in the offing? No one’s sure, but by damned if it will stop the British media from speculating about it.
So in that grand tradition of British media prognosticators who are seldom wrong, Parabolic Arc will do a little speculating on its own: Princess Beatrice will be the first royal to be married in space. And, if family history is any guide, she may well be the first royal to get divorced there.
Remember, if it happens, you read it here first.